The New Year is upon us! And just think, it was only a week ago, I was preparing you all for The Alcohol Apocalypse!
Well, it looks like we’re all still here. So, now as you fight off the vomit apocalypse, I feel it is my duty to prepare you for battle. With that said, I have compiled 7 hangover cures to get you through your own mental end times.
Buried Up To Your Neck (Ireland)
As per Irish legend, the ideal way to alleviate a hangover is to have yourself buried up to your neck in the “wet river sand”. It’s pretty safe to say that Ireland is a cold place so I suppose it’s also pretty safe to say being buried in wet river sand would be a wee bit uncomfortable. Which, I suppose, is the point. Much like that of a cold shower or, say, immersing your face in a bowl of ice water, this cure’s point is to wake you up, promote circulation and cure your headache and/or nausea.
Besides this “cure” being a bit nutty and unnecessary (as your shower is probably way closer than the river), I find any cure that resembles that scene in Creepshow to be just a tad bit…uh….scary.
Owl Eggs With A Side Of Sheep Lungs (Ancient Greece)
It was either mentioning the practice of deep frying canaries in Ancient Rome or this. I went with this. In Ancient Greece, the practice of eating a breakfast of two owl eggs and sheep lungs was common to cure those with hangovers. I can understand the eggs thing, but sheep lungs? First, why specifically, the lungs of a sheep? Not that the lungs of a dog or horse would be a better option or anything, but sheep?
And second, wait…nope….I have no second point.
Dried Bull Penis (Sicily)
There are a good handful of crazy ass hangover cures in this list. But this one is one of the grosser of the options. Dried. Bull Penis. Because the wet variety crosses the boundary to Vulgartown? Apparently this practice isn’t too common anymore but there was a time when Sicilians would stuff a dried up bull shvantz into their maws because chewing on such things would rid the head of the hangover nasties. It is said that this practice restores virility.
I think I’d prefer sheep lungs.
Tripe Soup (Turkey)
The hangover cure in Turkey (Romania and Mexico, too) is tripe soup. Tripe, for those of you who do not know, is cow stomach. The thought process here is that if you got chaos in your belly from too much alcohol consumption the night before, you should put some cooked up tripe soup in there to help settle things down. These innards are usually boiled with garlic, onion, and maybe even cream. Experienced Turkish alcoholics may even eat this soup ahead of said drinking to prevent the next day’s expected misery.
Of the crazy things people put in their bodies on this list, I’d choose this one above all others. Garlic and onion can carry a dish a long way. Not to mention, Anthony Bourdain likes tripe…so, it can’t be all that bad, right?
In Haiti, those who practice voodoo can go on the attack at their hangovers by sticking 13 black-headed pins into the corked bottle that did them harm. This seems similar to pins in a voodoo doll, like they are taking revenge on the bottle.
First, do they only drink out of corked bottles in Haiti?
And second, it may just be more fruitful to hammer pins directly into your own head to rid yourself of said hangover. Right, Pinhead? RIGHT!?
Slice Of Lemon Deoderant (Puerto Rico)
One of the key factors in a hangover is the dehydration that happens to one’s body upon heavy drinking. That being said, people in Puerto Rico have apparently discovered a rather interesting cure to the common hangover. It goes like this: Find a lemon. Cut a lemon. Rub lemon slice in the armpit of your drinking arm. Boom, you’re set to get sloshed!
And to all you alcoholic armpit fetishists out there, you’re welcome!
Pellet Tea (US)
This, right here, wins for the most crazy disgusting hangover cure in this list. Back in the old west days, cowboys tended to drink a bit too much corn likker upon its availability. So what did they turn to in order to cure a hangover from too much whiskey? Pellet tea, that’s what! And how does one make pellet tea? Well, it’s pretty simple actually. You take pellets of rabbit feces and steep them in hot water.
You know the term “hair of the dog”? How about “shit of the bunny”?
I’d still prefer sheep lungs.
Well, there’s my list of seven crazy hangover cures. I’m an Advil, vitamin B12, water and sleep man myself. But I’m crazy like that.
Is there a bat shit nutty hangover cure I’ve missed? Well what are you waiting for? Spew it out in the comments below!
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