Alcohol Apocalypse: Five Cocktails To Get You Through The End Times

By December 20, 2012
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The End Of The World Is Nigh!

With the apocalypse barreling down on us, one must really ponder those pressing life questions. Questions like, “Should I finally get naked, slather myself in wine jelly, and rob those banks downtown?” Or…“What better time than now, to get naked, festoon myself with balloons, and run that 10 miles I’ve been meaning to?” Yeah, apparently pressing life questions involve nudity. Don’t judge me, grumpy cat!

Well, whichever is your end of the world plan, there is one vice that many will be partaking in: ALCOHOL.

Now, of course, if it really is the end times, I feel like most of you out there (myself included) will turn to those libations and foods that bring us comfort in nostalgia. I’m a bourbon guy and I wouldn’t refute the notion that I’d be drinking the top notch stuff straight. But come on…things are about to stop existing, maybe it’s time to try that batshit crazy cocktail that would have you puking up buildings the next day. But, alas, THERE IS NO NEXT DAY!

It’s the end of the world, mothafuckas. Let’s get crazy!

DEATH IN THE AFTERNOON

This is as close to classy as this article is going to get. Ernest Hemingway made Death In The Afternoon popular as it was his favorite drink. Originally published in a 1935 article on celebrity cocktails, Death In The Afternoon shares the name with the book he published in 1932 about Spanish bull fighting customs. Hemingway was noted to “drink 3 to 5 of these slowly”. 

Ingredients:
1 1/2 oz absinthe
4 oz champagne

Method:

Pour the absinthe into a champagne flute and top with champagne.

 

THE NUCLEAR RAINBOW

Five alcohols, one shooter. And yes, this drink gets layered so it can be all pretty like a rainbow when you down that sucker. Take into consideration, here, that this is a time consuming drink to make. So claim that seat at the bar early, cuz time is a commodity!

Hmm…I wonder if this drink comes back up as pretty.

Ingredients:

1/2 oz grenadine syrup
1/2 oz peppermint liqueur
1/2 oz herbal liquor (Jagermeister)
1/2 oz melon liqueur
1/2 oz Canadian whisky
1/2 oz 151 rum
1/2 oz almond liqueur

Method:

Pour over the back of a spoon into a glass. Take your time to get that rainbow layered prettiness (or…lose your patience, say fuck it and just start taking shots!).

 

FOUR HORSEMEN #2

Okay, so maybe this drink was named after “The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse” and has no connection with the NWA wrestling stable. However, if the bartender in the video below is correct, drinking this will turn into a bar fight fast. What better time, than to rip your shirt off and let out a loud “Whoo” in your best Ric Flair voice before breaking out the figure-four leg lock on some bitches?!?

There are many variants to The Four Horsemen recipe, however the use of four alcohols with J names is very common.

Ingredients

1/4 oz Jim Beam® bourbon whiskey
1/4 oz Jack Daniel’s® Tennessee whiskey
1/4 oz Johnnie Walker® Red Label Scotch whisky
1/4 oz Jose Cuervo® Especial gold tequila

Method

Pour straight up into glass. Knock that shit back. Roll up sleeves and proceed to drop elbows upon that annoying Tipsy Bartender dude.

 

THE MAYAN SACRIFICE

I suppose it’s only fitting to get in touch with the Mayans on the eve of this watershed moment by sacrificing your civilized nature in downing a Mayan Sacrifice or five. You may wish to remove your shirt, pierce your nose, carve ancient text on your flesh and really get into the spirit here. And, damn, this actually sounds pretty damn tasty!

Ingredients

1/2 oz tequila
1/2 oz 151 rum
1 oz coffee liqueur
1 oz vodka

Method

Pour coffee liquer into a small rocks or old-fashioned glass. Add the 151 rum and tequila. Top with vodka. And then…set that bitch on fire! Allow it to burn for a few seconds. Ponder what judgement day will look like. Extinguish flaming drink and quickly take a straw to the glass and suck it all down.

 

THE WALKING DEAD

And now we’re to the most batshit crazy drink recipe of the list. See the look on Rick’s face? Yeah, that just might be you after drinking this thing. For those who do not know, The Walking Dead cocktail has been around far longer than AMC TV’s zombie juggernaut of the same name. This cocktail was invented by the Scandinavians who apparently really know how to drink (do they, though?). Honestly, I put this drink last on the list because, if you’re really going to go balls to the wall, why not drink a few of these? I mean, I’m not going to…but…I’m a pussy.

Ingredients

2 oz vodka
2 oz Scotch whisky
2 oz Jim Beam bourbon whiskey
2 oz Bailey’s Irish cream
2 oz melon liqueur
2 oz premium lager
2 oz herbal liqueur (Jagermeister)
2 oz absinthe
2 oz Wild Turkey® bourbon whiskey

Method

Mix all ingredients into a large container (A bowl, maybe a vase, cowboy boot, a hollowed out skull…or you know…a really big cup if you have one). Once mixed together, write an apology note and leave nearby. Once you start drinking, there’s no guessing what’s going to happen. You may even eat a brain or two.

 

Honestly, there are so many alcoholic concoctions out there that blow my mind in their bat shit nuttiness, that I could keep going but I figured it best to end it here. Enough time has been spent writing about drinking that the sobering thought that I’m still sober…is sobering. We’ve come to the part of the lecture where I open it up to audience participation.  Meaning, tell me some crazy drinks, people!

And then, when we’re all really loaded, we can join hands and sing in unison, “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I am druuuuunk.”

 

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Aside from throwing words onto your screen here, he has written for the likes of FEARnet, Examiner, Dread Central and MTV Movies Blog. And yes, he was Percy on VR Troopers.