Beep Beep! Here Are Five Scary Clowns To Haunt Your Dreams

By September 19, 2013
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northampton-clown

Last week I started hearing about a clown that was roaming the streets of Northampton. My friend and Pass The Effin’ Remote co-host Jack Conway even posted a link to the clown’s Facebook page. Sure, I clicked on it with some trepidation. However, I clicked it with the notion that it was just another silly internet meme. Instead, however, the page and stories I began reading about a real clown that just up and appears in this small town at night holding a bunch of balloons and waving awoke something in me that I had been ignoring for some time. I have a fear and sick fascination with clowns. Some years back, I binged on hours of Tom Waits music and penned a bunch of clown themed poetry. Seriously, it got bad. And now, these thoughts are back.

This Northampton Clown has since spoke out to ease some minds. The Police Chief even wants to shake his hand. What the hell?! Hey Chief Constable Adrian Lee, don’t you know he’s just out to eat children faces (just the faces)! Well, if you’re reading this, let me refresh your memory of these Godless Demonic Painted Monsters by showcasing the five clowns that scare me the most.

The Poltergeist Clown Doll

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When I was six years old, my cousin Judy came over to babysit me. Upon her departure later that evening, my eyes had taken in a double feature of The Exorcist and Poltergeist. Sure, many have told me at this age I should not have seen either film, let alone both in succession. And while there are many visuals from both films that have scarred and thusly shaped me into the person I am today, this was the first time I ever thought a clown could be scary. A clown doll, no less. It’s also worth noting that I was worried the tree outside my window would eat me for the longest time.

Captain Spaulding

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Sid Haig’s portrayal of Captain Spaulding is one of the few highlights from Rob Zombie’s House Of A Thousand Corpses. Captain Spaulding, not to be confused with the Groucho Marx character of the same name, is the owner of a gas station that doubles as a museum and haunted house ride dedicated to serial killers and freaks of nature. James “Spaulding” Cutter became more of a realistic and gritty character in the movie’s horrible sequel The Devil’s Rejects. Still, the combination of the messed up makeup, awful teeth and perverted vocal inflection makes Captain Spaulding a clown I’d never want to meet. Then again, there are no clowns I ever want to meet! Keep an eye out for chubby Chris Hardwick and a young Rainn Wilson in the clip below.

Pogo The Clown

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Speaking of clowns I’d never want to meet, how about one who was a real life serial killer? John Wayne Gacy was the killer in question who became known as “The Killer Clown” because he would perform at children’s parties as “Pogo The Clown” (pictured above). Pogo was a character he made up himself which is creepy enough. Knowing that he also sexually assaulted and murdered 33 young men, 26 of which were buried in the crawl space under his house, really just makes me want to hide in my own crawl space if I had one. But then again, who would want to hide in a crawl space after reading this?

http://youtu.be/z1tCsT3Vw-U

Krinkles The Clown

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Here we are, almost to the end of this blog, and now I am seriously questioning my sanity as to why I even decided this would be a good subject to write about. Clowns, Aaron? Really!? Well I suppose I should tell you who this fiendishly creepy f*cker is above. This clown that’s grabbing that bowl of sinister cereal is Krinkles. Yep, Krinkles The Clown!

Go ahead, pour yourself a drink, I’ll wait.

Okay, so back in the 1960s it seemed that clowns were very popular. Bozo The Clown received his own popular television show (my grandmother had paintings of this guy in random rooms of our house), the first version of Ronald McDonald surfaced and Post brought the cereal Sugar Coated Rice Krinkles to the public. There are so many questions, concerns and expletives floating around in my brain right now. Just…just watch the commercial and see for yourselves.

Pennywise

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Well I’m sure this is the logical clown to end on, no? The Northampton Clown has taken notes from the scariest clown to ever grace the small screen (or any screen for that matter). Tim Curry’s performance as Pennywise The Clown is still something that will stop me in my tracks. Bob Gray aka Bob Grapes aka Pennywise The Dancing Clown aka I don’t care what you name him is one of the most engaging, amusing and frightening characters that Stephen King has ever created. That’s right, I said it! Now, sure, the clown here does turn into a giant female spider (spoiler?) and things go downhill from there. But, I choose to just remember this wisecracking guy that hangs out in the sewers. They all float down there. You’ll float too!

I don’t write poetry anymore but I found this one I wrote back in 2006 that pretty much sums this piece up quite nicely.

Clown Goes Boom

Face caked with makeup
Place baked with stakes up
Filthy sheeted tent town
Juggling rotted fruit,
Dirty deed doing sad clown

Eyeballs a blaze from smoke and booze
It’s really hard to walk in those big red shoes
Juggling fruits from the neighbors yard
Just like the Joker from the Devil’s card

Hopping robotic from toe to toe
Much obliged to the average Joe
Makeup dried with dirty lips
He wears those gloves to keep a grip

Tossing fruit and throwing knives
Watching the clouds move like passing lives
Hopping robotic from toe to toe
Much obliged to the average Joe

Sweet dreams!

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Aside from throwing words onto your screen here, he has written for the likes of FEARnet, Examiner, Dread Central and MTV Movies Blog. And yes, he was Percy on VR Troopers.