‘Bloodsucking Bastards’ Review

By December 20, 2015

Video on demand is simply where it’s at with Horror these days. Sure it’s cool that Christmas Horror Comedy Krampus managed  a wide release but let’s be honest. Theaters are rocking junk boxes like Annabelle and The Gallows most days. Looking for originality or at the very least crude, off-kilter cheap goodness that’s so important to the genre? Like say… a bunch of slackers that work in a sales office pitching cold calls for boner medication getting infiltrated by vampires wanting to pitch cold calls and sell boner medication? Video on demand. All day long.

That wonderful and stupid plot laid out above belongs to Bloodsucking Bastards. Starring the fan favorite pothead dude from Cabin in the Woods Fran Kranz as an overworked and over serious dude who cares way too much about getting a crappy promotion at a craptastic job. He’s our down on his luck hero that must go through gory right of passage to grow some balls and become a man. His buddy Tim (played by the hugely underrated, hilarious Joey Kern from Grind Cabin Fever) has the right idea. He just dicks around as much as possible and it makes for great bro comedy.  Hell, Vampires is worth it for that alone. Not to mention the Mike Judge-esque type of office personality stereotyping. You know, that guy who is still trying to collect money from the March Madness bracket pool circa 2003? Don’t get me wrong everything here is way over the top, but still manages to stay relate-able for anyone who hates their job with the fire of 1,000 suns.

Suddenly Max (Pedro Pascal or Oberyn or the dude that got his head smashed in by the mountain in Game of Thrones) shows up fast talking cheesy sales and being an amazing d-bag (and oddly looking a lot like Nathan Fillion). He takes Evans promotion and tries to take his girlfriend (played by the gorgeous Emma Fitzpatrick ) too.  Soon after Max shows up, weird stuff starts happening and we end up on an hilarious vampire killing adventure with sh*t tons of blood that feels like a really good, long Workaholics Halloween Special.

Almost all the characters in Vampires are extremely like-able in their unique & semi-trashy personality traits including a hilarious security guard (Marshall Givens) that pounds red bull and hides vampire stakes in his man crevices. Again, not gonna find this stuff on the big screen playing alongside Hunger Games. You should. But you won’t. The small one location set makes the small budget un-noticeable and the whole cinematography feels like that green death light that comes from the copy machine when you are scanning your life away at 6 A.M. on a Monday morning. So in short, it works.

Vampires also kills pointing out the miserable office culture of sticking us meat sacks in dead-end jobs with windowless offices referred to correctly as “florescent shitholes” at one point. Offices with such little actual light Vampires could literally survive there. Blink and you’ll miss just how on point the workplace comedy references are.

The film doesn’t do much horror wise other than add some fun blood filled vampire massacre scenes. It seems like the vampire aspect was used more for the joke and workplace reference than for actual horror purposes and that’s OK. I think some people rated this one unfairly thinking the bloody poster promised some scares.  Bloodsucking Vampires isn’t trying to be scary. It’s just trying to have a good time and it works. Works like a vampire peddling boner pills. 7.5/10

Mike Holtz
Mike Holtz is just a guy looking for any excuse to talk movies and needs to be able to give people a legitimate reason to spend what they spend on popcorn each month. The Dad to a superhero little girl with another on the way, Mike's also written for a few cool websites and talked for a few more. Also, Mike cries like a school girl every time he watches 'Rocky.'
  • David Johnson

    If it wasn’t for Indie I’d probably only watch 1 or 2 movies a year!!!! #IndieFilmsRule