Ah, January. I love the smell of Hollywood crap in the morning. Movie buffs and reviewers all dread the start of the new year. Sure we have a few Oscar nominees from last year screwing our Top 10 lists by going to wide release in the first few weeks… after that it’s the crust on the PB & J sandwich. The skin on the candy apple? Ok I’m done with the food analogies. Sorry.
There are some gems (and some hard duds) this month and here they are:
The Hateful Eight
Directed by Quentin Tarantino and expanding to a wide release for all of us not lucky enough to live near one of the 70MM Roadshow screenings. My Facebook however is full of people who live close enough to have seen it this past week who I now kind of have a jealous hate for. Here’s our very own review of the hatefullness. See it in theaters while you can because according to Quentin he may only make two more.
This movie looks scary as sh*t. That’s just my professional opinion. Starring the so-pretty-it-hurts-my-face Natalie Dormer from Game of Thrones and Hunger Games (sanz the punk haircut). I love, LOVE horror but let’s be honest. It is so rare that a horror movie in theaters actually looks good. I mean, did you see The Gallows? So pumped for this one. Bring an extra pair of pants.
Leonardo DiCaprio going hard for that Oscar. Will you just give it to him already so we will all shutup? He ate a damn bison liver for this AND HE’S VEGAN. That’d be the equivalent of me NOT eating meat for a day. If I don’t eat meat for an entire day you better give me a f*cking medal or something. Anyway, this was filmed using all natural light and in short is one of the greatest looking films ever. It’s worth seeing on the big screen even if you aren’t a fan of movies that make you feel like you need to take a shower. Fair warning however, it can be a chore to get through. It’s gloomy, long and rough to watch at times.
Ride Along 2
Kevin Hart is really funny. Ice Cube can be too. This movie looks freaking awful. This is one of the worst trailers I have ever seen. It’ll probably make a sh*t ton.
13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi
Something about this feels wrong. Too soon? Michael Bay? Jim from the Office? (Okay, John Krasinski looks badass) This one will either piss off a large amount of people by being inaccurate and sucking or it will be really well done and surprise people. No pulse on this one at all but…..Michael Bay. I’m un-easy.
Norm of the North
It’s a kids movie about Polar Bear named Norm. From the North. (Please read that as deadpan as possible, thanks)
Just watched this trailer for the first time and it looks like the next fun party movie with a touching grandpa coming to terms with his life while fixing his grandsons life un-knowingly in the process of getting wasted and partying and lots of funny dirty jokes movie for me. In all seriousness it looks hilarious. Robert Deniro is always the sh*t and someone please tell Zac Efron that we’re not sure why but the world is ok with him now.
The Fifth Wave
I just can’t even right now you guys. This looks like an end of the world movie ate Red Dawn, washed it down with Invasion of the Body Snatchers and then threw it up all over Detergent I mean Divergent. Save cool plane crash scenes for cool movies. I’m looking at you too Pulse. Yeah, I remember.
I’m not sure if I’m scared, creeped out or annoyed. One part of me says can we stop with the freaking dolls already people? Then the other part says the little bastard creeps me out. Not to mention this isn’t Chucky and thank god it isn’t Annabelle and I can’t just punt the little shit because this seems to have a supernatural element which makes it possible that it doesn’t fully suck. I’m scared and skeptical. I like that we never saw the doll actually move so maybe there is something of a more physical adversary involved as well. Or maybe this will be the worst.
Not sure if this one will be wide release or Video on Demand. To be honest it looks like a pretty by the numbers and generic crooked police men story but I’ll watch it for the Keanu. Why isn’t he getting bigger movie roles again?
The Finest Hours
This Disney flick may star the mystical Chris Pine and the much underrated Casey Affleck but don’t we already have The Perfect Storm? May not be the same. Maybe I just can’t find my give a darn for this. Am I wrong here?
Kung Fu Panda 3
It’s Jack Black as a Panda who knows Kung-Fu. Part 3. Whoo.
Jane Got a Gun
A Western to start and a Western to end! I like it. We don’t get enough Westerns. This one is about Thor’s girlfriend Jane going back in time using the Rainbow Bridge and getting involved in an old school brew-ha-ha. It’s a Marvel spinoff. No really, this one packs a great cast of Natalie Portman, Joel Edgerton and Ewan Mcgregor and it isn’t titled Attack of the Clones.
What are you beautiful human beings most excited for this month? Stay tuned for news, reviews and more of the above here on GeekNation!
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