‘Game of Thrones’ Premiere Recap: Valar Dohaeris

By April 1, 2013
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So at long last the season 3 premiere of Game of Thrones aired last night and we are finally getting a glimpse of where some of the major players stand after last season’s epic blow-all-your-budget wildfire-palooza season two climax–the Battle of the Blackwater.  Besides ending WAY TOO SOON, this episode did not disappoint. There was Tyrion battling wits with Cersei AND Tywin. Unexpected giants. The badass return of a badass character.  And oh yeah…DRAGONS. Did I mention the new credits? Did I also mention that I live in fear of my neighbors seeing me sing random lyrics to the theme song as I stomp around my living room pretending to sword fight? ANYWAY… The cold opening for this episode was most excellent. Samwell Tarly running, scared as heck, only to come upon one of his brothers, head in hand.  Cut to zombie with ax attacking. Direwolf rescue. Zombie in flames and the entire Night’s Watchman appearing out of the snow. Sam gets shamed for not sending the ravens. Which I’m sure he was gonna do after he got far away from the friggin’ WHITE WALKERS. Take it easy,  Lord Commander!

Next we caught up with Jon Snow, who’s infiltrating the Wilding’s camp, Beyond the Wall. He sees a giant for the first time, and he had a look of  surprise on his face that totally said ‘That is some fine ass special effects right there!” There was more sexual tension between he and Ygritte as they made their way to Mance Raydar’s abode. After a hilarious (by GoT standards) scene of Jon Snow fails, he and Mance finally came face to face and he’s able to convince the King Beyond the Wall, that he sides with the people who don’t support  daughter humping, child sacrificing creepers. Which is a very good reason. Does Mance buy it? We shall see…

Next up! Our first glimpse of gratuitous nudity! And this time it’s Bronn getting it on. The sellsword is getting his sword well… nothing. Because he is so rudely interrupted by a messenger informing him that Tyrion’s wants to… I guess chat with him? But even juicier than Bronn sex, is a good old Cersei/Tyrion mind eff scene. Which can basically be summed up like this:

ZING!

Then two quick scenes.

Davos is found alive on a large sea rock. Learns that Melisandre is crazy from a really cool pirate that’s been married four times.

And we finally get our first glimpse of Robb (swoon!) in Harrenhal. Dead bodies are strewn about in various interesting tableaus. Not much happens here. Robb orders Catelyn to be put in some kind of cell and a lone survivor, Qyburn, is dicovered.

Big scene alert!  Tyrion meets with his dad. Gulp. These scenes always kill me, because they usually expose Tyrion’s greatest flaw, his overwhelming need for his father’s approval. WHICH HE WILL NEVER GET. Hello? Have we forgotten the season two finale, Tyrion? Basically, Tywin pulls out the ‘mother died in child birth card’  and then says like 15 other mean things, that had me sitting there screaming for Tyrion, to be like “Oh yeah? Well, At least I don’t bang my twin.”  But, alas, he just stews.  For me, it was the best scene of the premiere, in a totally effed up Emmy-reel kind of way.

A brief scene with Sansa and Shae, where Sansa fantasizes about the ships in the harbor, until she’s interrupted by the totally pervy Littlefinger. This character always makes me so uneasy, and his promises to Sansa in this scene just add to my suspicions. As if to nail the creepiness home, Roz warns Shae to keep an eye out for Sansa as far as Littlefinger is concerned. But before we get too skeeved…DRAGONS!

Yeah, yeah…Dany’s still looking for an army blahblahblah. What’s that? I didn’t hear you, Dany. I was too busy freaking out over the fact that one of your dragons just caught a fish and cooked it mid-air!

Up next, Davos returns to Dragonstone and he confronts Stannis about Melisandre and her method of dealing with dissenters. Ironically it’s the ‘witch’ burning people who speak against her her witchy ways. He tries to stab her and is thrown in the clink. I get the impulse, but probably not the best way to play it.

Juicy Scenes Alert!

King Joffrey watches as Margaery Tyrell does her best Princess Diana,  getting down and dirty with the riff raff of Flea Bottom. Like for real, she traipses through poop water or something.

Cut to dinner that night. Through a series of passive-aggressive exchanges, we learn that Cersei is totally in fight or flight mode. She knows she is losing her influence over Joffrey as the ever resourceful and whip smart Margaery, plays the game hard. Don’t worry Margaery, I’m sure Cersei will be totally all ‘I’m not losing a son, I’m gaining a daughter,’ about the whole situation. JK!

Then we’re back to Dany and her army quest. She finds a man who is selling a slave army so fearsome that they kill babies in front of their mother’s and thank you when you cut one of their nipples off. He mocks her throughout the sales pitch, which the translator wisely omits.  While discussing the pros and cons of employing slave labor with Friendzone Jorah, Dany is charmed by a little girl, who throws her a ball filled with a crazy ass scorpion!  An Obi Wan-looking dude stabs the beast and the little girl opens her Warlock mouth before diving off into oblivion. Obi Wan-looking dude is Ser Barristan Selmy, the Kingsguard who was fired by Joffrey for basically being old in season one. He’s pissed and ready to serve Dany. And suddenly I’m interested in Dany’s army.

So no Arya. No Jaime and Brienne. Not enough Robb. But it’s only episode one, so there’s plenty of season left to enjoy all of our favorite characters. And there’s absolutely no reason to believe that we won’t be enjoying them for many seasons to come.

What were your favorite moments from the premiere? Let’s discuss in the comments!

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Desi Jedeikin

Desi Jedeikin

Desi Jedeikin is a Los Angeles based writer and performer. She has appeared in numerous sketch comedy/improv shows at venues in L.A., including the Groundlings Theater, Comedy Central Stage, and the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, where she played Squeaky Fromme in the infamous alternative comedy show Comedy Death Ray. Unfinished projects include a memoir and a musical based on the life and death of JonBenet Ramsey. She has lots of other brilliant ideas she might complete. She really just needs more encouragement. You can follow Desi on Twitter: @Desijedeikin Here: truecrimejunkie.com And here too: xoJane.com She likes being followed.