So considering the fact that most of us haven’t recovered from last week’s ‘Red Friggin’ Wedding’, I’m relieved to have an episode that didn’t leave me feeling like my throat was slashed and I was stabbed in the heart. Well, except for that opening scene:
So, prepare yourself! Complaints about the finale being ‘meh’ are coming (or at this point have already come). Not from me though. I prefer to think of this as episode one of season four and the next episode will be airing in a year. A FRIGGIN’ YEAR. This is pure torture. I feel like Theon. Well, maybe not that bad…but first things first! We have a juicy scene with the Lannisters.
As newlyweds Sansa and Tyrion share a laugh about poop, Tyrion is called to a family meeting. And oh boy is this scene full of HILARIOUS dialogue. Like when Joffrey is all giddy about the Red Wedding news and Tyrion asks him if he’s killed a few puppies. But this scene was all about Tywin and Joffrey. Why is it I love Tywin so much when he goes after someone I loathe? Like when he told him a real king doesn’t have to say he’s king…BURN!!
And then when he put him to bed without supper. DOUBLE BURN!
And after everyone was dismissed, the king – I mean Tywin – had a little heart to heart about how the Red Wedding actually saved lives that almost convinced me it was the right thing to do.
“The house that puts family first will always defeat the house that puts the whims of wishes of its sons and daughters first.”
“It’s easy for you to preach utter devotion to the family when you’re making all the decisions.”
Then Tywin informs Tyrion that he wanted to drown him and didn’t because he was a Lannister. See Tyrion! He’s not always so selfish!
Back at The Twins, Lord Frey and Roose Bolton are discussing the aftermath of their evil plan. We learn that Blackfish escaped…yay! We also ‘learn’ that it is Roose’s bastard Ramsay that has Theon Greyjoy.
Which leads us to a Theon Greyjoy torture scene! I had totally forgotten that the last time we saw Theon he was getting his penis removed. Luckily Ramsay reminded us by eating a sausage to torture Theon and delight GIF-makers everywhere.
Don’t worry guys! Ramsay wasn’t really eating Theon’s peen! He had sent it to his father in a box along with a threatening note.
His father refuses to give up his lands to save Theon, but Theon’s sister Yara gets all badass like women in Westoros tend to do and goes to save Theon.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot the scene where the Bran group and the Sam group hook up and Sam tells them the wall short cut, but more importantly, Hodor hodors into a well.
Back at King’s Landing we have a few more heart to hearts. Varys tries to convince Shae to leave King’s Landing but she rejects his advice and his bag of diamonds.
And Cersei and Tyrion discuss their arranged marriages and the joys of children. We even learn that Joffrey was a happy baby. We also learn that the Lannisters won’t stop until all of their enemies are defeated which will be a very, very long time. Oh vey.
Next up…Arya and The Hound come across a group of Frey’s men bragging about The Red Wedding and taking credit for the horrible, horrible thing they did with Robb’s body after he was killed. So Arya straight up murdered one of them. Luckily The Hound had her back and murdered the others. Do you think she’s finally trusting him?
Next up…Jon and Ygritte officially break up via bow and arrow, it was like reverse cupid IRL. He doesn’t take an arrow to the knee, but he takes one to the back and the leg and I think the shoulder. Then he goes home.
Sam is back home too with Gilly and baby Sam! Yay! Reunited and it doesn’t feel so good but hopefully those arrow wounds will heal soon.
At Dragonstone, Stannis believes Melisandre’s magic is responsible for Robb’s death and now he’s all whipped again and fully on board with killing Gendry. But Davos (LOVE HIM!) helps Gendry escape, so Stannis sentences him to death. BUT WAIT! Davos advises Stannis NOT to kill him (DUH!) and shows him the letter from Aemon about the Whitewalker invasion. Melisandre’s like, “yeah he’s right, you need him.” So naturally Stannis agrees to not kill him. whip crack
Jaime is back at King’s Landing! No one recognizes the King Slayer. Then this moment:
If you would have told me in season one that a reunion between these two would have made me get a little throat lump I would have never believed you. I still don’t believe it.
The episode closed out with a Dany scene. She once again frees some slaves in a very Dany way and is embraced by them, Mhysa (mother) they call her, as dragons fly.
So yeah, not as crazy as last week’s episode, but it was kind of a relief to have a nice uplifting ending…yes? Now we wait. Season four is coming. But not for a year. Weeping.
What did you think of the finale? Let’s discuss in the comments!
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