Well, after last week’s banging premiere, episode 2 had a lot to live up to. Of course some internet people are poo poo-ing it as a ‘slow’ episode, but I found myself screaming out loud a lot during this episode. I like screaming while I watch GoT. It’s the only way I can exact revenge on my March Madness screaming neighbors. Game of Thrones is my sports. First scream of the night…BRAN! Wait…is that Bran? I’m momentarily confused because he’s running and his voice did a Peter Brady since last season. But of course it’s a dream…in which we hear the voice of Ned Stark. Excuse me while I hug a pillow and cry for a second. Ned Stark, the patron saint of assuming everyone is as honest and noble as you are. And this episode is all about telling the truth and trust. Two things that are nearly impossible to do on this show if you want to live.
Up next… Robb Stark receiving news that no one ever wants to open a scroll and read, his maternal grandfather is dead, Winterfell has been burned to the ground and his brothers are missing.
RECORD SCRATCH! THEON!
The rest of this episode will be haunted by the image of a sharp and pointy thing being stabbed into Theon’s nail bed, which is right up there with the Fred Gwynne’s ankle getting sliced in Pet Sematary on my list of most horrifying freaking things I’ve ever seen.
And we’re saved from the sight of Theon torture, because it’s JAIME AND BRIENNE! Sorry, neighbors! I love these two together and they do not disappoint this episode! Jaime taunts Brienne regarding her Renly crush, but goes too far with this insult: “If the throne was made of c*cks, they would have never got him off of it!” Brienne takes offense, while the rest of us were laughing our asses off. Jaime soothes his captor, “You can’t help who you love.” Very convenient philosophy, Cersei Slayer! Then they see a friendly old dude!
Despite Jaime’s warnings, Brienne chooses to trust the friendly old dude, refusing to kill an innocent man. I’m sure it’ll be fine. HAHA! JK…it’s GoT, Brienne!
Then we’re back to King’s Landing, Cersei’s still all a titter regarding Margaery, which makes Joffrey bored. Then he puts mummy in her place. Unfortunately, she doesn’t tackle him to the ground and whip him to death with a yard of folded floral brocade after he says this to her:
Cut to Sansa and Shea talk Littlefinger, before Sansa is summoned to meet Margaery and Lady Olenna. DIANNA RIGG! She is the best kind of Lady, one who isn’t too elegant to say something like ‘Once the cow’s been milked, there’s no squeezing the cream back up her udders.’ *swooning*. Lady Olenna and Margaery try to get the 411 on Joffrey from Sansa. Sansa tries to be all like hell no… but hello? You don’t say no to this woman. She is not boring like all of the others!
Sansa gives in to her Downton Abbey-esque charms and just says eff it…she gives her the cheese.
I didn’t want to leave that scene, but there we were North of the Wall. Jon Snow scene. We see a Warg in action… that was cool. Speaking of Jon Snow…feelings are coming.
We’re back to the Robb Stark crew. As Catelyn makes a kind of talisman thing to protect her children, she tells Talisa an incredibly heartbreaking Jon Snow story. Long ago she begged the gods to save the life of Ned’s bastard infant, only to reneg her end of the bargain…promising to love him as her own and accept the boy as a Stark. Basically everything bad that’s happening right now is her fault. Well, I mean if you believe in that kind of thing. FYI Catelyn, we’re gonna need a bigger talisman.
Back to Bran and Osha. Where we meet the Reeds!
But more importantly…I scream ‘ARYA!’ for the first time this season.
After a funny bit where Gendry raises an eyebrow regarding Arya’s kill list, the gang of three meet up with the Brotherhood Without Banners. The are forced to attend a feast and eat brown bread and stew. So nothing too scary. YET.
JUICY SCENE ALERT!
Margaery is officially one of my favorite characters now. I mean how can Lady Olenna’s granddaughter not be a badass, quick-witted, political animal. She plays Joffrey like a fine bedazzled crossbow. I’m almost feeling bad for Cersei this episode, but then I remember how she let Jaime push Bran off of a tower. Side note: ‘Something very painful that can’t possibly result in children’ is my new catchphrase. There’s also a kind of an erotic moment between Joffrey, Margaery and the crossbow, which just might be one the most disturbing things I’ve ever typed. So I’ll just leave it at that.
A palette cleanser from the gruesome Joffrey sexual innuendo… more Theon torture! Hmmm…who is this mystery boy willing to save Theon?? I wonder…
Back to Arya and her gang. And just when we think she’s going to be on her merry way, a tummy full of brown bread, THE HOUND! Damn.
But before we can see what goes down, we’re back to Brienne and Jaime. He tricks Brienne! Awesome sword fight ensues! Brienne takes down the admittedly handicapped King Slayer!
But wait! Brienne has no time to do a rude victory dance. The old dude who saw them earlier, totally turned them in to the men of House Bolton! And it’s over already.
So yes, a milder episode of GoT for sure, but even the lesser episodes of GoT are better than pretty much anything else.
What did you think of Episode 2? Did you feel at all bad for Theon or Cersei? A smidge?
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