Game Of Thrones Recap: Episode 5: Kissed By Fire

By April 29, 2013
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Okay, I think we all knew going into this episode that it could in no way compete with the mic-dropping Dany-stravaganza of last week…right? Well if you can’t compete with badass, give them ass I guess. Ancient TV secret.

But there was some badass off the bat! Beric vs. The Hound. I actually said “DAFUQ?” out loud when the sword caught fire. Then a tense battle ensued. The Hound struck a fatal blow. Arya grabbed a knife and attempted to finish him anyway. This is why I love her. Then Beric was all like ‘HEEEEY! I’m alive still.” WHA??

But let’s get to some ass…Can we just die over the moment when Mackenzie Crook said this to Ygritte: “Just because you want him inside you don’t make him one of us!” DYING!

Cut to Ygritte pulling the old ‘steal the sword’ move, Jon chase her into a cave. All of this ‘sword in cave’ talk is kind of foreshadowing I guess…because Jon and Ygritte got their wilding on! Ygritte’s all like:

Then she’s all like. Kiss my fire.

I ain’t gonna lie. I paused when Jon jumped into the pool. HOT SNOW BUTT!

Cut to Brienne and Jaime being handed over to Lord Bolton, who seems cool but then proceeds to torture Jaime by drawing out news regarding his LOVAH, I mean sister. I’m definitely keeping my eye on this one.*wink wink*

But the torture doesn’t end there! We see Qyburn again. He’s going to treat Jaime’s festering hand wound per Jaime’s request… sans Milk of the Poppy. He prefers screaming really loud, which is pretty much what I did this whole scene. And let me just say it didn’t make me feel better.

As a palate cleanser we get a funny Tyrion/Lady Olwynn scene. Have I mentioned yet how much I love her? But let’s get to the Riverrun Rumble shall we??

Karstark takes revenge, killing the Lannister boys in a brutal scene. Then Robb puts on his hottest leather jacket and acts all friggin stupid and hot when he sentences the Karstark gang to death. His wife and mother and Edmure all try to convince him not to kill Karstark, for fear they’ll lose half of their army, but Robb goes through with it anyway. I kept thinking he was gonna be all like ‘PSYCH!’ at the last minute, but then Karstark’s head fell. Robb stormed from the scene and immediately came to my chambers and ravaged me.

Then we’re back with Arya and Gendry. Gendry tells Arya he’s going to stay on with the Brotherhood. They have a convo about family that gives me a serious case of the feels. Not to mention this moment:


Then more feels with Arya! Arya discusses coming back from death with Beric and Thoros and this happens:


Which made me sadder than the scene in The Lion King when Simba tries to wake up the dead Mufasa. Yeah, I’m an adult.

Next up…the WTF family hour with Stannis Baratheon! Seriously…W.T.F? After getting dissed by Melisandre, Stannis goes crawling back to his wife, who has a still born baby collection. Am I the only one who thought about the Governor’s similar creepy collection? Then we meet his daughter, who seems sweet as hell and was sadly afflicted with Greyscale as a babe. We know she’s awesome because she’s pro-Davos. She disobeys her father and goes to visit Davos in the dungeon. Then begins teaching him how to read when he admits to being illiterate. FEELS!

Next up…THE BEST SCENE EVER (this episode)! Jaime joins Brienne in the bath. KINGSLAYER BUTT (And a sliver of ball. Just trying to be accurate!) Okay, I’m unashamedly crushing on Jaime Lannister now. Sorry Bran, I held out as long as could. Jaime lobs a Renly insult. BRIENNE BUTT! He apologizes and then has us all riveted to his every word as he tells us how he came to slay the king. DAMN! Emmy clip, much? Then this:


Officially shipping these two. Starting a White House petition ASAP.

Dany scene! Jorah and Barristan have another pissing contest. Then Dany has a nice scene with Grey Worm, who the army have selected as their leader. She asks the men to give up their slave names. But Grey Worm sees his name as lucky, because it’s the one he had the day Dany set him free. Aww.

Somewhere around here Robb admits he made an oopsie killing Karstark. Then he brings up Lord Frey and a new plan and I put my fingers in my ears and go ‘LALALALALA’ really loud because I don’t want Robb to go down this path at all.

Back in King’s Landing, the Sansa/Loras marriage scheme is a go! Until Loras takes on a new lover, who he tells all about the Sansa plan and who also happens to be OH CRAP a Littlefinger plant. Whoops.

Cut to the second best scene of this episode. Tywin has called a meeting with Cersei and Tyrion. Littlefinger has informed Papa Lannister of the Tyrell’s plan to control the North. Tyrion makes a funny about the Sansa/Loras match:


Then we know something bad’s coming because Cersei’s all like:

Tywin tells Tyrion he has to marry Sansa! But not so fast Cersei! Tywin tells Cersei she has to marry Loras! Then he tells his children that they basically disgust him and he walks out with a subtle mic drop. And we’re all like…what the hell just happened?

So am I the only one who watched the Brienne and Jaime scene more than once? What was your favorite moment?

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Desi Jedeikin

Desi Jedeikin

Desi Jedeikin is a Los Angeles based writer and performer. She has appeared in numerous sketch comedy/improv shows at venues in L.A., including the Groundlings Theater, Comedy Central Stage, and the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, where she played Squeaky Fromme in the infamous alternative comedy show Comedy Death Ray. Unfinished projects include a memoir and a musical based on the life and death of JonBenet Ramsey. She has lots of other brilliant ideas she might complete. She really just needs more encouragement. You can follow Desi on Twitter: @Desijedeikin Here: truecrimejunkie.com And here too: xoJane.com She likes being followed.