‘Game of Thrones’ Season 4, Episode 1 Recap: ‘Two Swords’

By April 7, 2014
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“Game of Thrones” is BACK! FINALLY. And after binge-watching practically every previous episode, I was ready. Unfortunately, HBOGO was not. I was this close to beheading HBOGO and sticking its head on a pike. I was so mad, not even pigeon pie and lemon cakes could calm my nerves. But it finally worked! Disaster averted! Let’s get to it, shall we?

The episode opened with Tywin Lannister melting down Ned Stark’s prized Valyrian sword as “The Rains of Castamere” played ominously in the background. Just in case we had forgotten about The Red Wedding, I guess? Ummm…#WeCanNeverForget. Two swords were forged, one for Jaime and one for King Joffrey Bieber. Just…no. So dang wrong.

Next up, we see Tywin giving Jaime the sword and instructing him to go back to Casterly Rock. Side note: Jaime looks good! Although I kind of miss scruffy, dirty Jaime. And Jaime looks even hotter when he says “No!” to Tywin’s request.

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Tywin’s face shows a smidge of annoyance, which for Tywin Lannister means deep rage. Jaime says he broke his oath to a King once before, and won’t be doing it again. And he doesn’t outright say this, but I’m pretty sure he also wants to start hitting that twin sister booty again – a slightly less noble reason for sticking around, for sure.

Next up, we see Tyrion, Podrick, and Bronn, who are waiting to meet the eldest Prince of Dorne, when they are informed that instead we will all be meeting Prince Oberyn. And we all rejoice, because Prince Oberyn is an amazing character!

Prince Oberyn AKA The Red Viper is in a brothel with his lady love. Things get a bit dark when the Prince hears a soldier humming “The Rains of Castamere.” Looks like the Prince has a beef with the Lannisters. Go figure! Tyrion soon hits up the brothel and asks the Prince why he’s in King’s Landing. Long story short, Oberyn blames Tywin for the death of his sister and is pretty openly in King’s Landing seeking revenge. “The Lannisters aren’t the only ones who pay their debts,” he says. Any enemy of Tywin’s is a friend of mine!

Meanwhile near Meereen…Dany’s dragons got BIG. And a bit more dangerous, even towards their mama. I guess even dragons have a rebellious teen phase?

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That’s no phase according to Ser Jorah, who warns Dany that the dragons can never be tamed. Uh oh, that doesn’t sound good.

Speaking of untamed, Dany returns to her army and is annoyed that two key members, Daario Naharis and Grey Worm are MIA. She finds out that they are having some kind of BS sword holding contest. Danny seems kind of like a spoiled brat here but hey, whatever, she’s Dany. Also we have a new and improved, much less Fabio-seeming Dario, so YAY!

Back at King’s Landing, Sansa is still tormented by what happened to her family at The Red Wedding. Pretty sure none of us will EVER get over that, Sansa, so you’re feeling exactly how you should be feeling. Tyrion tried unsuccessfully to cheer up his child bride but she ain’t having it.

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Shae then tries to “cheer up” her ex-lover and Tyrion ain’t having it. And all of a sudden, Shae is annoying to me now. A spying maid (?) sees this exchange and runs off to tell Cersei!

At last, we get a Cersei and Jaime scene! I may or may not have rubbed my hands together in anticipation. Jaime gets the golden hand that Cersei spent maybe the better part of an afternoon coming up with. Then Jaime tries to get with his twin. AND SHE SAYS NO!? I actually thought, “How are you not having sex with your brother right now? ” Thanks, “Game of Thrones”! Apparently I now  root for incest. Cersei is PISSED that Jaime left her and that he got his hand cut off. Ummm…I hate to be nit-picky here, but how is this any of his fault? She is so damn cold. Cold as ice, in fact. “Why did the Gods make me love a hateful woman?” Jaime laments. I know right? Jaime, I’m available and very much not a hater.

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Ygritte is near the wall, making arrows, as the Wildlings continue their plan to take over Castle Black, just waiting for Mance Rayder’s orders. Then a Wildling tribe called the Thenns show up to help and guess what? They’re cannibals! Maybe they’re from Terminus?

Speaking of Castle Black, we see Jon hearing the news about The Red Wedding. I cried!

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Then Jon must defend himself for breaking all kinds of oaths he swore he wouldn’t break. While the powers that be question Jon’s sexy times with Ygritte, he’s trying to tell them about something much more important, like an impending Wildling invasion, but yeah, let’s keep discussing a young man having the urge to have sex, shall we? It’s all so “American politics.” Oy.

Oh, Joffrey! How I’ve missed hating you! As Joffrey tries on things that look like they were made out of my rich great aunt’s drapes, Jaime tries to inform him of the security plans for his wedding to Margaery Tyrell. Joffrey is all like, “Everyone loves me! Security is completely unnecessary!” Because he’s inbred, brainless Joffrey. The king then mocks his secret dad’s ability to protect him, including dissing Jaime’s great deeds. Amazingly, Jaime doesn’t bitch slap him to death with his gold hand.

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Next up is a Brienne and Jamie scene, the very best kind of scene! OH! Can we just talk about Lady Olenna meeting Brienne for a second? More Diana Rigg please!

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Brienne begs Jaime to keep his promise about rescuing the Stark girls, but Jaime says that Arya is most likely dead and Sansa is now married to his brother. He considers her safe in King’s Landing. Sadly, they don’t kiss.

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There’s a bit of a scary moment with Sansa, but it turns out that it’s just Ser Donas giving Sansa a family heirloom. It’s nice liking Sansa again! She was so damn awful for awhile…nothing like having most of your family murdered to get you off of your high horse, I guess!

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Dany and Daario have a romantic moment, before we see the horrifying image of a murdered slave girl, a warning to Dany and her slave-freeing ways as the army makes their way to Meereen. Dany’s not fazed though. Because she has a massive, devoted army and dragons, duh!

And in the best scenes of the night, we present “The Hound and Arya Show”! The Hound and Arya are still trekking via horse together. They have some snappy dialogue, The Hound loves to put Arya in her place, and she takes it. The scene is light and funny, which is good, because things are about to get SUPER tense and dark. The duo come upon a tavern that has been taken over by some of The Mountain’s men, including Polliver, the sick, torturing bastard who is on Arya’s death wish list and is also in possession of her sword, Needle.

Polliver recognizes The Hound and then the two get into an awesomely tense stand-off about chicken, before things explode into an exciting sword fight, as The Hound takes down man after man. Arya seems stunned at first and then quickly joins in, going after Polliver. She uses his own words against him, and then kills him with Needle.

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And then The Hound and Arya ride off together triumphantly! Arya seems happy. And she got her own pony! Are you disturbed by Arya’s happiness or thrilled? I’m going with thrilled. It’s “Game of Thrones”! Not “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!” Come on now!

What did you think of the season four premiere? Let us know in the comments!

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Desi Jedeikin

Desi Jedeikin

Desi Jedeikin is a Los Angeles based writer and performer. She has appeared in numerous sketch comedy/improv shows at venues in L.A., including the Groundlings Theater, Comedy Central Stage, and the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, where she played Squeaky Fromme in the infamous alternative comedy show Comedy Death Ray. Unfinished projects include a memoir and a musical based on the life and death of JonBenet Ramsey. She has lots of other brilliant ideas she might complete. She really just needs more encouragement. You can follow Desi on Twitter: @Desijedeikin Here: truecrimejunkie.com And here too: xoJane.com She likes being followed.