JEEZ. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding as exciting as one on “Game of Thrones”! I am left speechless once again.
Am I the only one who watched the final scenes from last night’s episode at least four times? There is SO much good stuff to discuss, so we better get to it!
We start off with what might be the creepiest opening in GOT’s history. It almost seems like something fun is happening, until we see this guy’s mug:
Ramsay, some chick, and Reek (AKA Theon) are chasing a young woman through the woods, basically hunting her. When they finally trap her, we find out that the reason she is being punished is that Ramsay’s female sidekick was jealous of her. Talk about your mean girl! Although, I’m guessing it’s pretty easy to get Ramsay Snow in on a game of torture. Just when we think Ramsay is going to put in an arrow in her skull, he sicks his ravenous dogs on her instead. Grue. Some.
But like all bastards, Ramsay is really just desperate for his daddy’s approval. He just goes about getting it in really sadistic ways. Roose Bolton returns from the Red Wedding slaughter, and much to Ramsay’s dismay, he is disappointed in what Ramsay has done to poor old Theon. But Ramsay doesn’t cry about daddy’s diss; instead he shows him just how loyal Reek is to the Boltons, by allowing Reek to put a razor blade to his neck. He gets Reek to reveal that he did not actually kill the two youngest Stark boys, which is very good news for House Bolton. Then to further display how broken Theon is, Ramsay tells him of Robb Stark’s fate:
And Theon still doesn’t slice his throat! I loved seeing Theon and Jon Snow’s reactions to the news of Robb’s murder. He was the Stark golden boy that both men envied and yet admired and loved as a brother. Those are some complex feelings there! It made me all throat lumpy. Robb was a good guy. A good, very, very hot guy. DAMN YOU, George R.R.!
Then we had a nice little Jaime/Tyrion scene. You gotta love the cut from Theon to Tyrion holding a sausage on a fork. Will I ever tire of this visual gag? Probably not. Tyrion coins the once-proud Lannister children “the dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness.” Oh, Tyrion! Never, ever change! Jaime reveals to Tyrion that he can no longer fight. Another thing I never tire of…the softer side of Jaime Lannister. Tyrion then hooks his brother up with left-handed sword fighting lessons, courtesy of Bronn.
Next up, we finally put the kibosh on the whole Shae storyline, once and for all. Varys warns Tyrion that Shae’s life is in danger, and Tyrion basically dumps her as she tries to get with him. It’s pretty humiliating, but we know that Tyrion is just trying to save her life, so I guess it’s okay. I wish that every time I was dumped it was just because the guy was saving me from having my head chopped off and put on a pike!
I really, really wanna get to The Purple Wedding, so I’ll just say Melisandre is still witching it up in the House Baratheon storyline and we get to see Bran, Hodor, and the rest of the crew! Warg dreams! Bran knows where they have to go! A deer says Hodor! Let me say that again, a deer says Hodor. And I was laughing so hard, I almost seemed like I was choking…which segues me into THE PURPLE WEDDING!
First up, we see the gift-giving ceremony and Joffrey is in rare Joffrey form! The only gift he seems to appreciate is the Valyrian steel sword from Tywin. He quickly hacks the book Tyrion gave him with it, before asking the peanut gallery what he should name the sword. “Widow’s Wail” is the winner! Just to make it extra Joffrey-creepy he adds, “Every time I use that it will be like cutting off Ned Stark’s head all over again,” which makes the moment after the nuptials when Tyrion whispers to Sansa, “Better her than you,” all the more right on.
The reception starts with an always good Tywin/Lady Olenna scene:
Lady Olenna also has this killer line to Sansa: “Killing a man at a wedding! Horrid. What sort of monster would do such a thing? As if men need more reasons to fear marriage.” I know, right? Love her.
Jaime and Loras have a little chat, where Jaime warns Loras that his marriage to Cersei will basically end in his death. And Loras has one of the best lines of the night.
Then we get another great scene between Cersei and Brienne. Cersei thanks Brienne for bringing her brother back safely. And then Brienne drops this bomb on the Queen Regent:
But then Cersei guesses that Brienne is in love with Jaime. And Brienne tries to keep it together. Not very well, I might add.
Next up Joffrey surprises his wedding guests with a performance from a theater company comprised of dwarves. They act out the war of the five kings, a disturbing display of Joffrey’s sadistic nature. He basically manages to offend everyone, most of all his uncle, Tyrion. After the callous entertainment ends, Joffrey invites Tyrion to join in. Tyrion THROWS DOWN with an epic speech:
Joffrey and Tyrion then get into an intense stand-off, mostly regarding Tyrion getting Joffrey’s wine goblet. Tyrion finally gives his nephew the wine he so desires…and Joffrey starts to cough. Uh oh, I have a feeling this is more than just swallowing a piece of dry pie!
As Joffrey starts to choke, Sansa is whisked away by Dontas, and Cersei and Jaime rush to Joffrey as he dies. I hate Joffrey more than anyone, but boy was that death scene hard to watch. Joffrey’s last act is to point an accusatory finger at Tyrion, who is holding the wine goblet, as he appears to realize that Joffrey was poisoned. Oopsie. Talk about your bad luck.
But before we can all enjoy the ‘Ding, dong! Joffrey is dead!’ moment, Tyrion is arrested for his murder. But Joffrey is dead! I’ll kind of miss him…nah!
What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments!
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