Ah! It seems like only two weeks ago I had a new favorite character and he’s already dead. DAMN YOU, George R.R. Martin! But even with that ending scene, which was a real doozy, there is so, so much more to talk about. This episode definitely made up for the two weeks we had to go without. So let’s dive in!
First up…Wildings attack! Ygritte finds Gilly and little Sam hiding and spares their lives, because she’s Ygritte and she’s cool like that. Back at the Wall, Jon tries to comfort Sam, who fears the worst about Gilly and little Sam, while at the same time he’s accepting the worst regarding the Night’s Watch being completely outnumbered by Mance Rayder’s army of thousands. I have a hunch an epic battle scene is coming our way.
Meanwhile in Meereen, Grey Worm and Missandei have a naked moment, which leads to Dany and Missandei discussing Grey Worm’s “pillar and stones.” Bechdel Test be damned! But while Grey Worm and Missandei look like they may be on the path to romance, Ser Jorah is decidedly off of it once and for all.
Ser Barristan intercepts Jorah’s royal pardon – signed by Robert Baratheon – and everyone now knows that Dany’s trusted adviser was initially sent to spy on her. Dany is pissed. Jorah is devastated. I had the feels. She tells him if she sees his face in the city, his head will be thrown into Slaver’s Bay. He sadly rides off all alone. I guess there is something worse than the friendzone, eh Ser Jorah?
In the Bolton storyline, we see Reek pretending to be Theon Greyjoy in order for the Boltons to take hold of Moat Cailin from the Ironborn soldiers. It’s a pathetic sight to see, but it works! Daddy is pleased and makes Ramsay an official Bolton. And then Ramsay says something about a bath to Reek and I shivered with creepy feelings the rest of the episode.
How about that Sansa Stark, huh? She is helpless no more! When Petyr Baelish comes under suspicion regarding his wife’s dramatic fall, Sansa comes to his rescue and to the dark side.
The trio inquiring about the circumstances of Lysa’s death buy it! Later Littlefinger and Sansa have a totally pervy conversation. Lord Baelish asks Sansa why she chose to protect him, Sansa realizes he may be her only hope of survival and says she knows what she wants, which makes Baelish look all horn-doggy. Despite the creep factor, I like this duo. But I’d be careful if I were you, Sansa. I mean, Littlefinger is pretty much out for one thing. Or maybe a few things.
Arya and The Hound finally reach the Eyrie only to find out about Lysa’s death. Bravo to Maisie William’s for selling the heck out of that laugh.
And now for the main event! Jaime and Tyrion have another nice little scene about a violent beetle-crushing cousin, before the trial-by-combat is set to start.
Tyrion seems worried when he sees his champion, Oberyn Martell, sipping wine and slipping tongue pre-battle, but what’re you gonna do? “Today is not the day I die,” he says. I believed him! Stupid, stupid me. He leaps into the ring with The Mountain and does his best Inigo Montoya, only he replacing ‘ killed my father’ with ‘raped and killed my sister.’
And he starts winning! It’s a real David and Goliath kind of thing! The Mountain is finally on his back, but before Oberyn delivers the fatal blow, he wants a confession. Oy, “just kill him,” we all screamed, right? Haven’t you seen a horror movie ever in your life, Red Viper? He has not.
Although our villain looks defeated, he isn’t. He grabs Oberyn’s leg, knocking him on the ground, knocks out his teeth and gives him the confession he wants. Then he does something that puts every other death on GOT to absolute shame. Have you ever back over a watermelon with you car? Who knew a Gallagher/GOT mashup would be so intense! We were all like:
While Cersie was all like:
Tywin stands and proclaims that Tyrion will be sentenced to death for the murder of Joffrey Baratheon. But isn’t it kind of a draw? Justice in Westeros is totally messed up. And messy. I will miss you Red Viper. And I will never forget your, horrible, horrible death. It was Red Wedding worthy.
What did you think of “The Mountain and The Viper”? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
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