Man Writes Own Obituary (And Confesses HE Is Spider-Man)

By December 1, 2014

Aaron Purmort had a loving wife and amazing baby boy but knew he was not long for this world – as his battle with brain cancer seemed to be nearing the end. It was then Purmort decided he wanted to write his own obituary and with the help of his wife, Nora, came up with the obituary to end all obituaries.

“Before [Aaron] died, we had time to sit down and write his obituary, I’ve never laughed and cried more in one sitting, but I’m so glad we got to do this. I love this man so damn much.” said wife Nora Purmort.


And with that, his final confession(s) were made known to the Star Tribune:

Purmort, Aaron Joseph age 35, died peacefully at home on November 25 after complications from a radioactive spider bite that led to years of crime-fighting and a years long battle with a nefarious criminal named Cancer, who has plagued our society for far too long.

Civilians will recognize him best as Spider-Man, and thank him for his many years of service protecting our city. His family knew him only as a kind and mild-mannered Art Director, a designer of websites and t-shirts, and concert posters who always had the right cardigan and the right thing to say (even if it was wildly inappropriate).

Aaron was known for his long, entertaining stories, which he loved to repeat often. In high school, he was in the band The Asparagus Children, which reached critical acclaim in the northern suburbs.

As an adult, he graduated from the College of Visual Arts (which also died an untimely death recently) and worked in several agencies around Minneapolis, settling in as an Interactive Associate Creative Director at Colle + McVoy.

Aaron was a comic book aficionado, a pop-culture encyclopedia and always the most fun person at any party.

He is survived by his parents Bill and Kim Kuhlmeyer, father Mark Purmort (Patricia, Autumn, Aly), sisters Erika and Nicole, first wife Gwen Stefani, current wife Nora and their son Ralph, who will grow up to avenge his father’s untimely death.

Aaron and Nora were also featured in an “Explore Minnesota” ad campaign (they’re the couple pretending to hold the large cherry that bookends the ad)

Purmort and his wife also made a&n, documenting the changes in their lives following his diagnosis and subsequent battle with brain cancer.

I normally NEVER do this but there’s a fundraiser going on to help cover not only the cost of Purmort’s remaining medical bills and funeral costs, they’re also making sure their son Ralph has a heroic future as well.

For the record, I did donate because hey, he was Spider-Man, damn it.

Aaron Purmort was 35.

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Cricket Lee
Star Wars fangirl. Named Best Kisser by Time Magazine. CEO/Host: Girl Gamer; host of Gecken: GeekNation; writer: Dread Central. You'll have a crush on me soon. Vote Quimby. Twitter: @crixlee