Pop Culture’s Best New Year’s Resolution FAILS!

By December 31, 2012
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New Year’s Eve marks the time when almost everyone sets at least one resolution for the coming year that they will more than likely break within the week. Pop culture is no different, except maybe funnier. Here are fifteen of the most popular New Year’s Eve Resolutions That Probably Won’t (or Really Don’t Need to) Happen:

1. Lose weight

This is one of the most popular resolutions every year. Can you imagine if June, better known as Mama, from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and her premise that farting 12-15 times a day would actually help you lose weight? Me neither.

2. Exercise more

Working out and maintaining a consistent exercise regimen is essential for a healthy lifestyle. I don’t really think the guys from Magic Mike have a problem with that. Despite this, McKayla Maroney is still not impressed.

3. Eat better

Most of us could do a better job in what we choose to eat. Don’t tell Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation he needs to change his diet. Do you see him as a vegetarian? Fat chance.

4. Drink less alcohol

While social drinking is acceptable, sometimes we tend to go a little too far. In real life, please call a cab or have a designated driver. On television, what’s funnier than a drunk Leslie Knope? Not much. Not much at all.

5. Quit smoking

An admirable resolution as smoking is pretty terrible for you. Simply put, if you are trying to quit smoking, stay far away from the handsome devils and wiley women of Mad Men. Very far away.

6. Get out of debt

Everyone would love to not have anyone to owe anything to. If that’s your intention, be glad you aren’t a member of the Bluth family (of Arrested Development fame).

7. Save money

The name Tony Stark isn’t really synonymous with thrifty. What would Iron Man look like if he were on a budget or a coupon clipper? Good thing we will never have to know. How would you like this shopping list?

8. Get a better job

Many of us are never completely happy with our current employer and always seem to have one foot out the door. With all the shenanigans that Blake, Adam and Ders get away with at their job on Workaholics, why would they? Let’s hope they never have higher aspirations.

9. Get a better education

Everyone should strive to be learning something new as much as possible. That being said, community college is nothing to scoff at. It’s actually smarter for you to start there and then transfer to a major college after two years. Somehow, I just don’t think the students from Community attending Greendale Community College would be as watchable in any other setting.

10. Learn something new

Going with the previous resolution, it’s always nice to continue learning. Try something new. Even if you could easily rest on your billion Youtube view laurels like our Korean friend Psy, it will almost never hurt to try and add to your life resume.

11. Become more organized

Even people like me who have an almost OCD level need to stay organized can find a way to be more organized. No one wants to accidentally end up on Hoarders do they? How long could it really take to clean off your desk? Seriously.

12. Reduce/manage stress

As most of the world, Walter White needs a break. Albeit he is the one who made the decision to become a meth kingpin on Breaking Bad, he still needs a chance to relax and lower his stress levels. Don’t we all deserve a little break every now and then?

13. Be less grumpy

Life can be hard and easily looked at in two very distinguishable ways in most situations. Half full or grumpy cat. I prefer the latter.

14. Manage time

I’m sure there are many of you who sit down to do something important on the computer, play a game, watch TV, etc., and then it’s six hours later. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you actually could control time? Too bad Dr. Who and the Time Lords don’t have some sort of recruiting station like the military does. That place would be packed all the time.

15. Be more independent

Very often, there is the need for you to be on your own and get your own life sorted out…alone. Come on Rihanna. Please?

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Father, Husband, Grad School Student, Film Society President, Passive Comic Book Reader, Aggressive Video Game Player, Knowledge Aficionado, Inquirer of Everything. Learn more about me at JGHanks.com and/or add me on Twitter