Super Ads You Will Never See

By February 1, 2013
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Every year for the big game, companies spend an insane amount of money on a few seconds of airtime in hopes they can convince us to buy their products. Sometimes though, there are commercials that make it hard to even tell that they are selling something. Some companies seem to only care about us watching what they made, then talking about what we saw.

And we do.

There are a lot of people who tune in on Super Sunday just to watch the commercials, but here are a few advertisements that you won’t be seeing:

Ray Lewis for a bail bonds/dry cleaners

Arguably one of the greatest linebackers to ever play the game, the Baltimore Ravens’ Ray Lewis can’t escape a questionable event that happened many, many years ago in Atlanta. Because of his actions that night, he was not allowed to tell the world he was going to Disney World after winning the MVP for Super Bowl XXXV. Where is the justice? More importantly, where is that white suit?

Bill Belichick for a spy camera company

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick is a three time NFL Coach of the Year and five time Super Bowl Champion. The guy likes to win. Sometimes that obsession with being victorious has led to some questionable decisions; like videotaping the other team on the sidelines. Who better than him to be the spokesman for surveillance equipment company X-10? James Bond?

Tim Tebow for Go Daddy

Tim Tebow made more headlines for running in the rain shirtless at a New York Jets practice last year than he did actually playing. Oh that’s right, because he didn’t leave the bench. If Go Daddy can use women in highly controversial ads, why not pick one of the most controversial and talked about NFL players to be their first Go Daddy Guy? You are welcome Bob Parsons.

Jonathan Vilma for a target range

New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma may have gotten a raw deal for being the alleged leader of the bounty scandal, however, why not let him parlay that notoriety as spokesman for a target range that offers tackling exhibitions in New Orleans? He would be a great person to show people how to tackle properly and take someone out effectively. Win-win I say.

Katherine Webb for a reality show

TLC is all about reality shows these days. What exactly are we learning from them? Anyways, Katherine Webb could prolong her fifteen minutes of fame by being the first girl on their show that would focus on the girlfriends of famous college quarterbacks. You could get Brent Musburger to be the voice over guy. Television gold.

Manti Te’o for a dating site

Poor Manti Te’o. The former Notre Dame Fighting Irish linebacker has had a rough year. First his nonexistent girlfriend died in a car accident. Then he almost won the Heisman. Then we all found out his relationship was a hoax. Let’s hope he finds the right one on Christian Mingle, you know, because no one ever lies on the Internet.

Kanye West for a sensible, affordable car

For a guy who famously rapped about the dangers of loving a gold digger, Kanye West seems to be settling down. I would love to see him in a commercial for Hyundai with his song playing softly on the radio as Kim is putting their new child in a car seat in the back. Someone should be paying me for these ideas.

Chris Culliver for a gay rights organization

San Francisco 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver’s recent comments about not accepting a gay teammate were met with expected criticism. Apparently, he spoke with his coach and other team officials claiming, “That’s not what’s in my heart.” Maybe he should have just said he was sorry in the first place? Helping out GLAAD in his team’s hometown could help his image…and open his eyes.

The Harbaugh Brothers for gum

John Harbaugh and Jim Harbaugh yell a lot. At least they can make sure their breath is not offensive while doing so. Am I right? And even though they aren’t twins, they would be a perfect match for Wrigley’s gum.

Ndamukong Suh for athletic supporters

For someone who will most likely try and kick you in the testicles during the game, Detroit Lions controversial defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh would be a perfect spokesman for a device to try and protect those same balls. The product testing center would basically just be him kicking dudes in the nuts. Those commercials would be Internet magic.

These are some of the products and ads that would never make it on air during the Super Bowl (or any other time). What are some super ads (and the football people who would sell them) that you think would be too crazy to see the light of day? Let me know and enjoy the game this Sunday.

Go whatever team wins! Foosball!

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Father, Husband, Grad School Student, Film Society President, Passive Comic Book Reader, Aggressive Video Game Player, Knowledge Aficionado, Inquirer of Everything. Learn more about me at JGHanks.com and/or add me on Twitter