‘True Blood’ Recap: Episode 9: “Life Matters”

By August 12, 2013

Last night, “Life Matters,” the penultimate episode of season 9 of “True Blood,” aired. Or as I call it, “You have to be effing kiddding me with how much time they’re devoting to this friggin’ funeral.” Seriously, “True Blood”? It’s not like Jason Stackhouse died…and don’t get any ideas! At least not until those Eric dreams happen…but I’m getting ahead of myself.

We start with Sookie and Warlow post Sookie-feed. Bill is there waiting to get him some Warlow blood, but Sookie’s like ‘Naaaah!’ She tells Bill to go find Eric, who had more of Warlow’s blood than Warlow. She also said this: “Eric took our deal and f—ed it in the ass.” I’ll just let that image sink in for a moment. Then Sookie used her ball:

I need to get one of those. Eric showed up at Vamp Camp at the same time Sookie and Alcide in a suit showed up at Terry’s funeral.

But enough about Terry’s funeral, for now anyway…ERIC RIPPED OFF DR.OVERLARK’S PENIS!!!

That was friggin’ gruesome, am I right? Was I the only idiot thinking “That’s a strange looking heart…OMG THAT’S NOT A FRIGGIN’ HEART!THE BLOOD! THE BLOOD!” That being said…he totally deserved it. Because…Nora.

Then Eric freed the male vamps. But never mind that… let’s go back to Terry’s funeral! Because it’s not like there’s only 2 episodes left to wrap up the main storyline. Oh wait. What would you rather see? Hoyt’s mom? Or this:

Exactly! But back to the funeral we go. Andy tells a story about Terry that leads to a flashback in this very special episode of Terry’s Funeral. Meanwhile in a storyline I care about, Eric frees the female vamps. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY…he heals Jason. So if there’s not an Eric/ Jason shaving scene in the finale, I will never forgive “True Blood.” Not ever. Eric wants one too apparently.

Sam tells a touching story about Terry. Flashback ensues. I’m sensing a theme here. I feel the need to clarify that I liked Terry. I love Arlene. I just think there was about 20 minutes too much funeral. In my defense, I feel bad that I’m so heartless!

Eric found Finn and was about to kill him when Finn made this revelation ‘I f*@#ed your progeny.”

Eric decided Pam deserved the pleasure of killing him. A real gentleman our Eric Northman!

Then the best part of the funeral happened:

Okay, actually the best part of the funueral was Sookie hearing Arlene’s thinking that she wasn’t ready to speak and then Sookie went up and told a super touching story about how Terry had fallen in love with Arlene at first sight. Okay, they got me. Even someone as cold-hearted as me looked like I had been peeling serious onions.

Back at Vamp Camp, Sarah Newlin was attempting to carry out her plan of frying vampires in the white room, but Bill found his way in the room first and let the vamps feed on his fae blood, making them immune to sun damage. Fairy blood…the ultimate SPF. Sadly, Steve Newlin scrambled to get some blood before Eric killed him. But not before he declared his undying love:

In your face, Sarah! I’ll miss you, Steve Newlin. But I still don’t want an episode devoted to your funeral.

Then this sweet moment between Eric and Pam happens:

Because nothing says love more than when someone allows you to kill the man you were kind of forced to have icky sex with.

As Big Jon sings at Terry’s funeral, Jason chases down Sarah and generously decides to let her live. but not before he not-so-generously tells her that Jesus said she was an average f*#@king lay.” Ouch.

Then the unthinkable happens:

WTF!? And this is me if Eric doesn’t come back:

But seriously…he has to come back, right? Because we can’t live without this:

And also the Jason/Eric dream thingie too. That needs to happen.

What do you think will happen in next week’s finale? Tell us your predictions in the comments!

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Desi Jedeikin

Desi Jedeikin

Desi Jedeikin is a Los Angeles based writer and performer. She has appeared in numerous sketch comedy/improv shows at venues in L.A., including the Groundlings Theater, Comedy Central Stage, and the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, where she played Squeaky Fromme in the infamous alternative comedy show Comedy Death Ray. Unfinished projects include a memoir and a musical based on the life and death of JonBenet Ramsey. She has lots of other brilliant ideas she might complete. She really just needs more encouragement. You can follow Desi on Twitter: @Desijedeikin Here: truecrimejunkie.com And here too: xoJane.com She likes being followed.