Wizards of C*ckblock Forest

By July 31, 2012

“You and your party wander into an enchanted forest. Amongst the treacherous trees and fire goblins, you find pretentious art house movie theaters, overpriced coffee shops, and fancy furniture stores no one ever walks inside. Imagine a world just like Brooklyn or Echo Park, but magic is real, so it’s not that horrible.”

And with that, your journey into Wizards Of C*ckblock Forest begins.

Created by the geniuses at indie quarterly magazine The Devastator, Wizards Of C*ckblock Forest is a loving parody of Dungeons and Dragons that can be found on the flip side of issue #5 AND YES, IT’S A REAL GAME.

Even if you’re new to table top role-playing games (or RPG, if you will) like Dungeons and Dragons, fret not; only things required for this game are a few friends, one d20 (20 sided die), a pencil and a good sense of humor. ANYone can pick up this game in a matter of minutes but I will say that your GOD (I’ll get into that in a second) should be someone you know is an experienced DM (Dungeon Master) or has an overactive imagination – because that’s who really drives your journey.

For realsies, all you need for this game are:

1-6 Players, aka “Wizards” (don’t play by yourself, that’s just sad)
1 or more 20-sided die

Character Sheets (page 6 in manual) and a pencil for each Wizard (or bring your own pencil, because that would be awesome of you)
1 GOD (“Game’s Official Describer” aka “Dungeon Master” who also plays all Faeries & NPC or “Non-Player Characters”). This is kinda why you need/want a fairly skilled DM. If you don’t have one available, pick one of your pervertiest (yes it’s a word) or quick-witted friends to play GOD.

Once your GOD sets up your pre-determined scenario from either “The Summer Of My Meltdown” Premiere Screening, Wednesday at Kauldron ‘O’Komixz, or Night At Barber’s (provided in the book), you’re off and running!

Like any RPG, each player starts with the same amount of points, In WoCF, 15 “loser” points are doled out to each player for them to distribute into their “flaw” categories (Ugliness, Cowardice, Sadness, Anger) in any way they choose.

The only way to get rid of said loser points? Have sex with as many faeries as possible. But Wizards CAN’T pay for sex, gotta sex up the faeries cash-free…that’s when your c*ckblocking abilities must be strong, strong like bull!

Only available to you once a round, you can: do things like give a fellow Wizard an “MTD” (Magically Transmitted Disease), proclaim they’re already dating someone else, or use any of the ones provided on your character sheet. Once the c*ckblock has been stated, both players must roll their die to see who will rise to the occasion and who will fall (get it?!).

The key to winning Wizards Of C*ckblock Forest is simple yet complicated, much like life –  get laid and don’t be a loser. Translated: have the fewest “loser points” by the time everyone wants to quit.

After you’ve kicked your friends out (because you possibly lost), you can flip the book over for some great comics from truly twisted (and hilarious) minds who’ve left their marks on The Daily Show, Marvel, DC, Spike TV and many, many more.  For you [adult swim] fans, this issue contains an offering from Tony Millionaire – creator of “The Drinky Crow Show” and popular strip “Maakies.”

Be sure to hit WoCF’s official website to pick up your own copy for a mere $8.00 (because I ain’t loaning you mine) and bonus content in the form of more c*ckblock spells like “Friends Without Benefits” and a variety of Day Jobs (i.e. being a “Member of GOD’s Entourage”) that can help or hurt your character with every roll.

And yes, girls really DO play this game.  I have extra d20’s for guests, even, because that’s how I roll. (Get it?!)

Game on, y’all.

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Cricket Lee
Star Wars fangirl. Named Best Kisser by Time Magazine. CEO/Host: Girl Gamer; host of Gecken: GeekNation; writer: Dread Central. You'll have a crush on me soon. Vote Quimby. Twitter: @crixlee http://www.imdb.me/crixlee