Worst Spocks EVER!

By December 19, 2012

The character of Spock has always been a fan favorite. In the first JJ Abrams directed Star Trek (2009) film, Zachary Quinto did a fine job of donning the pointed ears and following in the footsteps of the iconic Leonard Nimoy as our favorite half-human, half-Vulcan. As most of us know, the second film in the Abrams directed Star Trek trilogy, Star Trek Into Darkness, is scheduled to come out in May of next year. This got me wondering; who are the last people on Earth you would ever want to see portraying Spock?

Here is the list I came up with off the top of my head and in no particular order:

Luke Wilson – If Star Trek were a weird, critic’s choice comedy directed by Wes Anderson, old Casey Kelso would be a shoo-in. Although I am quite fond of most of Wilson’s filmography, Spock is not a hipster smart-ass.

Chuck Norris – Although his internet glory days and insane popularity has faded (for most of us), I still wonder what a highly illogical roundhouse kick to the face from Spock Norris would look like on screen.

Adam Sandler – Sandler made his comedic mark portraying guys that haven’t quite grown up yet but somehow always get the girl in films like Billy Madison (1995), Happy Gilmore (1996), and The Waterboy (1998). Can you imagine his Happy Madison production company getting their hands on the Star Trek franchise? Dick and fart jokes galore guaranteed.

Channing Tatum – Although he is generally likeable in most of his films, and pretty funny as well, I don’t see this as a match, although, 2012’s Sexiest Man Alive would definitely continue Spock’s history as a sex symbol.

Charlie Sheen – Putting Charlie Sheen in the role of Spock is like listening to any of the wide array of songs where Michael McDonald sings back-up vocals and wondering how long it will take for him to take over the project.

Mark Wahlberg – The former head of the Funky Bunch and one of the original New Kids on The Block has definitely proven his acting chops. However, I can’t imagine Spock being as buff as Marky Mark is ever…or from Boston.

Jean-Claude Van Damme – Thank you JCVD for inspiring the creation of Mortal Kombat – and for Timecop (1994) – but even I (sadly) realize there will never be the need for a martial arts version of Spock.

Jeff Goldblum – Although he could easily pull off the vocal portion of Spock’s character, and probably even the character altogether, there is something off about Goldblum. I mean, look at those eyes!

Russell Brand – Russell Brand always strikes me as the low rent, really awful British version of Jerry Seinfeld (no disrespect Jerry) and I know a ton of people who find him really annoying. Not Spock material.

Steve Carell – He could easily pull off the deadpan humor that Spock occasionally displays, but he is just too off the wall for the role and I imagine he would find a way to make the character a full out comedic performance.

Eddie Murphy – Eddie Murphy was/is generally at his funniest when cussing…a lot. Not a Spock trait. But wouldn’t it be great to hear Spock doing the “Eddie Murphy” laugh? Or wearing that red suit?

Carrot Top – No. Just no.

So this is my list. Who’s on yours?

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Father, Husband, Grad School Student, Film Society President, Passive Comic Book Reader, Aggressive Video Game Player, Knowledge Aficionado, Inquirer of Everything. Learn more about me at JGHanks.com and/or add me on Twitter