So it’s the event us book readers have been dreading all season long. The Red Wedding. No joke this was me before watching tonight’s episode:
I’m actually a huge Robb fan, and it’s not just because of how adorable he is in this:
He’s infuriating in so many ways, I know, but I guess I’m just a sucker for a son doing his best to avenge his father’s death? But let’s walk through the episode before we get to what has to be the most brutal 10 minutes to ever air on the tube. Shall we?
We open on Catelyn and Robb. Robb wants to go after the Lannister’s beloved Casterly Rock. Lady Stark reluctantly agrees. “Show them how it feels to lose what they love.” Ugh, my tummy hurts already.
Next the Starks and Tullys meet up with the Freys. Lord Frey shares bread and salt with his guests, which supposedly means you can’t harm them while they’re in your home. Mmmhmmm. Then Lord Frey proceeds to act all pervy towards Talisa, before he claims that the Starks and Freys have put the mess behind them. YAY! All’s well that ends well! If only the episode ended right here, am I right?
Then 3 little scenes. Dany and Daario in Yunkai. A Sam and Gilly scene, where we learn that The Wall has a shortcut…WHA!? And The Hound and Arya on their way to The Twins. Arya seems as anxious as I am during this episode. The fact that you can watch this, knowing full well what is coming, and still be this stressed out is a testament to the talent of everyone involved with the show. “You’re almost there, you’re afraid you won’t make it.” says The Hound. My first throat lump: seeing Arya’s face gazing at the castle where her family is. DAMN YOU, MARTIN!
Up next…an actually awesome Bran scene! Well, it helps that it’s also a Jon Snow scene, I guess. Bran and his crew are holed up in an abandoned tower avoiding a storm. Jon and his Wilding crew are on the outskirts of said tower, when they come upon an old man, who the Wildings want to kill and the always-noble Snow wants to let live. The thunder causes Hodor to start Hodor-ing like crazy, but luckily Bran is able to calm him down with his warg-y ways, before they are discovered by the Wildings. Was I the only one evily laughing at the Hodor-ing? I honestly can’t help myself.
Jon is pretty much outed as a spy, when he refuses to kill the old man. He eventually kills Orell, telling him “You were right the whole time!” as he stabs him. SNAP!! Then he rides off on a horse as Ygritte looks on in shock.
Meanwhile in Yunkai…Jorah, Daario and Grey Worm go and sack the city while Dany waits. A battle ensues! Dany is getting anxious, when Jorah appears all bloody and VICTORIOUS! But then this happens:
Poor Jorah! Totally in the friendzone.
BUT LET’S GET TO THE WEDDING ALREADY! Sheesh, I can’t take the wait anymore! Or can I? I can’t decide.
Yes, TODAY. Sorry, boos! (Confession: I paused about 50 times during this episode, trying to delay the inevitable.)
Okay. Deep breaths. Edmure gets lucky and ends up getting a very pretty Frey girl. They are married and taken out via the bedding ceremony. Bye, Edmure! Enjoy the consummation of your marriage, because it’ll be your last moment of happiness for a looooong time.
Then there’s a terribly, gut-wrenchingly sweet scene between Robb and Talisa, before the door FRIGGIN’ CLOSES. Gulp. TODAY!
As if that wasn’t ominous enough, “The Rains of Castamere,” the Lannister’s theme song, begins playing. Catelyn and Roose Bolton share a look. She knows and he knows she knows and she knows he knows she knows. It’s all confirmed by chain mail. “ROBB!” she screams. And then the most EFFING horrible thing I’ve ever seen happen happens. Talisa is stabbed multiple times in her stomach. BABY EDDARD! Arrows fly, all Starks are hit.
Cut to Arya witnessing Robb’s men and dire wolf being slaughtered. Seriously? THIS:
She is thankfully knocked out by The Hound who hauls here out of there fast.
Robb over Talisa’s body. Too many feels. Moving on…
MORE FEELS as we see a sequence of moments that I’m pretty sure will be earning Michelle Fairley an Emmy. My heart felt like it was basically torn out of my chest, so yeah, I’ll be pretty mad if she loses. She begs Lord Frey to spare her son. Throat friggin’ lump is out of control now, y’all.
When Robb said “Mother…” Awww man. He knew it was over. We all knew. Then this:
And finally, Catelyn kills Frey’s wife and is just like put me out of my friggin’ misery already:
Silence. Except for the sound of all of our snot-crying.
But a glimmer of hope, maybe? Let’s go out on a positive note at least…
So what say you? Have you recovered?
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