Seriously? Seriously. That ending, am I right?? But I guess we have to start from the beginning of a classic slow-burner episode of Games that ends with a serious bang. Or should I say chop? And unlike this episode, I’m going to make haste through the first 45 or so minutes and get to those end scenes faster than you can say ‘Take off his pants!” (Shudder)
This episode opens with the funeral of Catelyn’s father, her hapless brother Edmure and her badass uncle Brynden the Blackfish are there and there’s an actual funeral pyre! Cool! Also on fire is Robb’s temper as he lays into Edmure post-funeral. Speaking of awkward family tension…how awesome was that little Game of Musical Chairs at Tywin’s meeting? Some minor plotting happened, and then Tywin informed Tyrion that he would now be the Master of the Coin. Which I guess is like a crappy an entry-level paper-pushing job with a way better name? I only knew it sucked because Cersei was so happy about it.
Then we were back on the road with the now captured Jaime and Brienne. As their captors sing ‘The Bear and Maiden Fair’ Jaime gives what may be the most disturbing and yet somehow sweet advice about how Brienne should handle her impending rape. Gulp.
On a side note: Have you guys seen this completely gorgeous picture of Gwendoline Christie? DAYUM, Brienne!
Next up our other captive group: Arya, Gendry and Hot Pie. Basically we say goodbye to Hot Pie. Bye, bye Hot Pie! Or as I called him ‘The poorman’s Samwell Tardy’.
Then we’re back briefly North of The Wall, where Mance and the wildings come across what remains of Jon Snow’s men. Artfully strewn horse parts. It’s a White Walker/ Godfather mash-up! As Mance gives the order to scale The Wall, the Night’s Watch are back ‘enjoying’ the ‘hospitality’ of the creepy daughter raper baby killer, Craster. Samwell wanders off only to find his ex-crush, Gily, birthing a baby. ‘What is it?’ everyone screams. Because as we all remember, boy babies are sacrificed to the White Walkers. I don’t know why every one finds that to be the more horrible outcome, I find it a thousand times more appealing than a lifetime of Craster rape. But maybe that’s just me?
Next up…Theon is released! But more about Theon later.
First we get a little scene between Melisandre and the totally p-whipped Stannis. She’s going somewhere mysterious and basically tells Stannis she needs to find a guy with royal blood to impregnate her, because if Stannis exerts himself to release his royal baby ingredient (!?), it will kill him. He totally buys it!
Dany Time! Dany continues to struggle over the decision to buy the slave army. Naturally, Ser Jorah and Ser Barristan take opposing views on the matter. And Ser Jorah’s all like ‘STEP OFF, old man!’
Dany decides to buy the army with one of her dragons. Yeah, no one thinks that’s a good idea. She also gets the hot translator thrown in as a bonus, which still doesn’t make it seem worth a FRIGGIN dragon. But maybe this lady know something the men don’t. Okay, Dany…I trust you! I’m on board!
And then we have a scene that basically serves the purpose of fulfilling the Games gratuitous nudity quota. Poderick is rewarded for saving Tyrion by losing his virginity to 3 whores. Oh yeah and apparently he’s got major game.
But back to Theon! His captors having discovered he’s escaped. Horse chase ensues! Theon is captured and just when he’s about to get ‘Effed into the dirt” ‘The Boy’ appears and takes out the whole crew with his trusty bow and arrow. Theon’s ass is saved! Literally and figuratively. But wait! There’s still more threats of rape in this super rapey episode!
Okay. So Brienne is about to be taken off to be raped. Naturally she doesn’t follow Jaime’s advice and goes kicking and screaming as she is dragged into the woods. It’s really difficult to listen to her. It was incredibly heartbreaking. Then Jaime does the nicest thing he’s probably ever done in his life and basically ensures that Brienne remains ‘unbesmirched’. Unfortunately, this being Jaime, he can’t help but do it in a slightly condescending way. BUT DID HE REALLY DESERVE THIS!?!?
A Celtic rock version of ‘The Bear and Maiden Fair’ plays us out as the credits role and we sit there stunned. W.T.F. I mean sure he’s a ruthless, murdering, incest-loving, total d*ck 99% of the time…I know this.
But I’ve kind of got a little soft spot for him now. And he just did something so..unlike him. WHY??? Looking on the bright side…maybe he can get his Merle on?
What did you think of this episode? Let’s dish on it in the comments!
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